Rescuing Caroline

I think maybe I can, like, you know, actually rescue Caroline Kennedy’s effort to be appointed to the US Senate. I’m kinda rushing this into print ’cause, even though nobody reads this blog yet and I have quite a few other things to say on the subject at hand, it’s looking like Caroline needs help fast. Maybe they’re desperate enough to start googling “Rescuing Caroline” or something. Anyway, my advice, short and sweet, is this: she needs to develop a British accent. Maybe a reasonable facsimile, something along the lines of William Buckley or Patrick Moynihan, could cut it, but probably at this point only a full blown Princess Di dialect will be enough to insure recovery.
I can’t really explain the jones we Americans, all our anti-aristocratic posturing to the contrary, have for British accents. I’ll leave that to Dr. Helen or Neoneocon; they’re shrinks, right? However, if you ask me, it’s undeniable. They can put anything from British TV — anything– on PBS and call it a masterpiece. A British accent has been proven (I think, I’m pretty sure) to elevate the perception of both IQ and sex appeal. And, as a test case, I’ll just mention only one of my own extreme symptoms. You know that gal, the one who played Leonidas’ wife in 300, she’s British, right? But in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles she plays the role with an American accent. But just knowing that she really has a British accent, that makes her sexier. Check around. A lot of heavy weaponry and a snug leather jacket don’t hurt, of course. But what really puts her over the top: we know that she’s sub-vocalizing her lines in a thick creamy version of the King’s English.  And, you know, this only makes things easier for Caroline. Because she can go back, back at a later date to her American/Boston way of speaking.  Neat, huh?
There’s a problem, you’re thinking.  How do they –her advisors, her supporters, her handlers– explain this sudden change in Caroline’s enunciation.  Frankly, I’m not sure there’s time to worry about that now. But I’m off to channel Don Draper and give it a shot. Get back to you.

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